I am 46 years old, and I come from Naples. I like to drink. A LOT. And I like to chill out with my fellow drunkard and good friend Trinculo. He is really funny, and I would even go as far as saying he is my best friend. But don't tell him I told you that. He works for King Alonso, same as me, except he is the JESTER and I am the BUTLER!
I like to sing and dance sometimes. But Trinculo is much better at dancing than I am. Don't tell him I told you that, either. His ego is big enough as it is. My favourite band in the world are The Sex Pistols. They are epically amazing! If i had to choose my absolute favourite Sex Pistols song it would be a 50/50 draw between 'Submission' and 'God save the queen.'
I am the one and only butler to the King of Naples Alonso. He also likes to confide in me sometimes. And after being his 'Butler' for over 10 years means that I know how to play him. Alonso is fine if he is drinking beer and he can literally knock back 20 bottles without blinking an eye. He gets violent on whiskey and on vodka. But the drink that makes him spill him deepest darkest secrets is a sherry. Give him two or more of them, and he'll be telling you the story of how he met his first wife again. And no one wants to hear that story again.
Anyway, before I worked for Alonso I served for a few years in the navy, so if push comes to shove, I know how handle myself in a fight! I made quiet a few good friends during my time in the navy. And I learnt a lot a valuable life lessons.
But I shall never forget the evil that I have seen and done in my life. That's why I like a drink. It helps me to forget. It helps to make the nasty memories in my head go blurry around the edges. When I've had a few drinks I can barely remember my own name, let alone the horrors I have witnessed.
That's why I took the job with King Alonsi. At first I was just one if his waiters on the kitchen staff. I had to bring out all the food on his highnesses best china, all served on silver platters. And the cutlery. Thousands of knifes and spoons and forks did I have to polish everyday.
But at one of King Alonso's annual balls a few years later he got very drunk, and I got very drunk, and we had a great night together. One things led to another, and an hour later we having an after party in Alonso's private quarters with a select few acquaintances. I managed to get Trinculo into the party by convincing Alonso that he would put on a brand new all exclusive private extravaganza type show for us all. We were drinking and laughing and smoking cigars and then someone popped open the good brandy.
Before I knew it, Alonso was patting me on the back and telling me I needed a promotion. "What job would thou like?" He said. "Just name it. Any title that thou would like to have bestowed upon thee... Thou shalt have it!" And me being completed shitfaced already told him I wanted unlimited access to all the booze! He laughed and then replied "My butler then! It's settled!" And he is a man of his word. I thought he may have forgotten the whole incident, but OH NO! He had me moved to new and better chambers away from the kitchen staff, and had one of the maids have my new suit ready by the very next morning.
My mother always told me I was born lucky. And the moment I put on that suit and looked in the mirror, I truly believed her.
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